Frozen Or Delayed Duel, The Pain That Becomes Chronic

The frozen duel refers to an unsurpassed loss. It is the pain that becomes chronic, that creeps permanently and that manifests itself in many different ways: anxiety, stress, exhaustion, apathy, constant irritation … Thus, and however striking it may seem, we are facing a clinical reality that occurs quite often.

There are those who do not know very well what to do with that set of adverse sensations, with that suffering that paralyzes and places the person in a void that is very difficult to manage. Others cling to their daily lives, their work and obligations trying to convince themselves that they can move on. They tell themselves that nothing is wrong, that pain can be hidden like someone who keeps a personal object in a safe.

In both cases, the same anatomy of suffering is generated: that of pathological grief, that where there is no closure or acceptance of the loss. In this way, if there is something we must understand, it is that pain does not have an expiration date, it can last for decades and be integrated into everything we think and do. The frozen grief masks itself in multiple illnesses and completely obscures our chance to be happy again.

Frozen or delayed duel what is it?

Pain can freeze, freeze, or even remain trapped like a seed in an amber drop. We do it this way when we refuse to face a painful reality, when we tell ourselves that it is better to park it aside and resume our lives avoiding thinking about that person we have just lost.

If there is something that specialists in grief know well, it is that this psychological process is experienced in each of us in a very different way. However, the general view that is usually taken on the subject is that a loss is synonymous with sadness and that, on average, it takes between a year or a year and a half to be able to move forward and end a bereavement.

These ideas are not entirely correct. To begin with, when you lose someone you experience something more than sadness. There is anger, there is confusion and even anguish. Likewise , the experience of a duel is directly related to the personality of each one, with the resources they have and also the social and personal support they have.

In this way, as explained in a study carried out by Dr. Katherine Shear, from Columbia University, New York, it is very difficult to predict how each person will face the loss of a loved one. Furthermore, it is estimated that about 5% of the population will at some point carry out a frozen or delayed duel. The characteristics of this process would be the following.

Symptoms of delayed or frozen grief

The frozen or delayed duel appears as a defense mechanism. The person refuses to accept the reality of what happened, cannot face it, feels incapable of dealing with such suffering. Hence, the brain chooses to deny or simply ‘freeze’ the suffering, leaving it for another moment.

Now, all that psychological overexertion and emotional restraint has consequences:

• It is common to suffer from anxiety and stress disorders.
• The person suffers from hypersensitivity. Any unforeseen or fortuitous event is experienced in an oversized way.
• It can lead to eating disorders or addiction behaviors.
• There is in turn a clear refusal to speak or name the loss of that significant person.
• Psychosomatic symptoms appear such as digestive problems, allergies, headaches, muscle aches, skin problems, hair loss.
• A lack of vision or planning for the future arises. You stop having vital plans and goals.
• Problems also arise at the relational level. Lack of joy, patience, the desire to share, to enjoy moments of leisure … What’s more, sometimes you even stop connecting with others in an authentic way, empathy fails because the unaccepted internal suffering overshadows almost anything.

How is a frozen or delayed duel treated?

The person who lives with a frozen grief should know that at some point all that emotional charge will end up emerging. Sometimes, a sudden trigger is enough to mix up a myriad of sensations capable of overwhelming us. Thus, the death of a pet, seeing someone sick or even suffering a small mishap, triggers a whole avalanche of feelings that they do not know well how to manage.

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) the clinical condition of frozen grief does not appear as such. However, it does include diagnostic criteria for “persistent complex grief disorder.” Now, knowing that there is this type of pathological grief, in recent years new therapies have been developed that are proving very effective.

An example of them is the one presented in a 2012 study by Dr. Julie Wetherell of the University of San Diego, California. It is an approach that combines cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy with prolonged exposure techniques. The basic purpose is to facilitate the acceptance of the loss, work on emotions and an aspect that usually arises in many cases: the feeling of guilt.

To conclude, coping with a loss is something no one is prepared for. Grief is neither a universal nor a normative process, it is dynamic, stark, complex and even pathological in many cases. Being able to ask for help (and allow ourselves to be helped) will allow us to go through this reality in a more adjusted and healthy way.